I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the day after is always just damage control
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
