You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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