I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
