I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
