We need to start having sex underwater more often.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
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This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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