I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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