just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
