i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
