Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
