tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
