My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm always down for nudity.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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