I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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