i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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