My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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