Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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