I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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