Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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