quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
