No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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