I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
