Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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