My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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