I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
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Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
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You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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