"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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