So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
