I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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