can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?