Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
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Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.