Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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