She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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