So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
