yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
