Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
