So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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