Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
