I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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