I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
