dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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