no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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