I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
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