I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
