she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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