yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
