we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
