so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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