in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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