Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
