He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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