Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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