I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Sober January is a disaster.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
