dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
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If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
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Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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