I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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