Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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