and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
