I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
