So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
