I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
