You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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